There are only three options for relationships:
- Healthy commitments,
- Unhealthy commitments, or
- No relationship.
One of the key elements for healthy relationship is the ability to listen. To listen to others and for them to listen to you. My goal is always to commit to heathy relationships. If I find that my choice does not include healthy but only unhealthy commitments or no relationship, then I will choose no relationship every time. What gets frustrating is that people conflate my no relationship as though that is what I want. I really want healthy, but some times that can’t happen.
I took my mom and my kids to see Inside Out 2 the other day. After the movie, I was having a conversation with my 10 year old. We were talking about which emotions we thought people in our family reflected. My son said, “well you are mostly Joy but once in awhile you are anger.” This is true. As I have pondered this, there are only specific moments that “Anger” controls my control board. It is when I am being asked to commit to something unhealthy, that is when anger comes.
What does Unhealthy look like to me? This became clear with an argument with a family member. In the midst of the argument, I was asking for was for them to speak respectfully to me. This meant not to yell at me but to have conversations around hard things. Their response was, “you are trying to control me, I can speak to you any way I wish.”
As I sat with that, I was like there is a partial truth there. Yes, the other person has 100% full jurisdiction of how they want to speak to me. It is their right and their freedom. Additionally, it is my right and freedom to not participate. If the opportunity to be in relationship is only contingent on their complete freedom to speak to me however they want and there is not room for my need of being spoken to kindly, then that is an unhealthy relationship.
“Manipulation is when they blame you for your reaction to their disrespect. Read that again” – Unknown
If I commit to that, then it means the next time they yell at me, it’s okay because it’s what I agreed to. So if that is the only way to be in relationship with them, my choices are then: unhealth or no relationship. I am going to choose no relationship. BUT that does not negate my heart’s desire to be in healthy relationship. It’s honoring their request and their boundaries.
As I have shared this story, I realized I did not articulate this as clearly to said party. Several months back, I reached out to this person, traveled to their city, had a meal together, and shared this. As I shared this and gave space for them to truly let me know if this is what they wanted, they said, “No- that’s not what I want, I want healthy relationship.”
So we took baby steps forward. In defining what healthy was, the conversation transitioned to, “Hey I want to honor what you need and sometimes I do yell. There’s a good chance I won’t be perfect in this. Would there be grace for that? You also have permission to say I am yelling.” My response was, “Yes.”
Healthy does not mean perfection or that we are currently in a healthy state. It means our intention is towards the goal of healthy. So that relationship turned a corner. It’s still in baby steps, but there is hope.
If you meet Anger Wendy. I can guarantee you there’s a reason why. I truly care about you AND there is a pain in my heart. I am fighting for Healthy as I don’t want to land in no relationship because we couldn’t solve the challenge. Fundamentally, I am committed to solving the hard conversations.
